In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
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Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Good advice.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda