I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
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Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Beards are a privilege, not a right
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.