the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
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Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Not today, today.
Not today.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute