Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
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I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?