assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
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When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
This is Sparta
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her