I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
You Might Also Like
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”