Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
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My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.