In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
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I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Taliband
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.