“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
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Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no