Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
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Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Morning my dudes.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.