the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
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Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Need this in my life lol
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”