ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
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Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Support your local cemetery
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*