If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
You Might Also Like
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?