me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
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Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
i want to work in this restaurant
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.