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I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.