harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
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I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.