Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
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I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Something Saturday.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
marvel comics have peaked
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.