[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
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Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*