All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
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Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there