I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
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Good point.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?