mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
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Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
pizza
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
mmm onion ringos
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Proctology is located in A55
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.