I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
You Might Also Like
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
In banana years, I am bread.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes