My work here is don’t.
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Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
2022 will be better than 2021
We’ve all been there…
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Why is this me 😫
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin