Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
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Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?