I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
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Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I’ll be mad as hell!
Meanwhile in Canada…
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.