How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
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Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.