You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
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Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
guilty
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.