Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
You Might Also Like
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.