Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
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Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*