i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
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The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
When can I start eating bats again.