do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
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The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself