Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
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My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
what the
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.