Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
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Boom, boom, ching!
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”