ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
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Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
quarantine day 3
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.