The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
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Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
We all have our pet causes.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”