You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
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Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.