honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
You Might Also Like
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Snapes on a plane.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.