“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
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I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
When you’re here for the treats.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*