[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
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You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.