If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
You Might Also Like
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.