Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
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Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”