riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
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Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.