High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
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the clam before the storm
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Plant care tips
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”