Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
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Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.