People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
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Blew out my flip flop…
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
“Boo!” — cow with a cold