What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
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sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.