8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
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”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi