Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
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I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣