There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
You Might Also Like
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.