A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
You Might Also Like
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.